Hawk the Slayer (1980)

Date Reviewed: 8-4-2002

Critical Kobold Rating:    (4 out of 5 Tasty Fish)

 

To Slay, Or Not To Slay? Ridiculous Question!

     Ah, Hawk the Slayer ! Made in 1980, this was one of the first of the cheezy fantasy films to capture my attention as a young D&Der, and it will forever hold a special place in my heart. I’ve read so many other reviews where people put it down because of the cheap props and silly effects, but I think that’s missing the point. This was pure D&D as imagined by young teen boys everywhere back in the heyday of 1^st Edition, and it’s that spirit that makes this film kick booty.

     Let me get this out of the way first: Yes, I just said it was cheezy. Yes, the production values were obviously B-movie from the start. Yes, I realize that the special effects could be reproduced by any 14- year- old with access to Silly String and Glow Balls. Yes, the soundtrack suffers from early-80’s disco fantasy synth. But, when you consider the competition that began circulating the straight-to-video shelves and appearing on late night TV airwaves at this time, this movie leaves them in the dust. The filmmakers did wonders with what they had to work with. This is a classic, and anyone who says differently is a constipated gremlin. And you’d be amazed at how many game mechanics from later editions of D&D show up in this movie! Why, I’d be willing to bet the designers at TSR were sitting around watching Hawk late one night and said, “Dudes, we should totally use that!”

     This masterpiece of sword & sorcery follows the tale of Hawk (who’s apparently a slayer by profession, although he seems really nice). Hawk is the youngest of two sons, but his elderly royal father has decided to pass the crown on to Hawk rather than to his older brother and rightful heir, Voltan. Hawk has little interest in running a kingdom, which is why dad thinks he’s a good choice; he won’t let the power go to his head. Now, as you can probably guess from the name, Voltan is a nasty, brooding, villainous type (played with glorious vileness by Jack Palance), who is just itching to get his hands on the crown.

     The king has summoned both sons to a meeting to announce his decision. Voltan arrives first, and is a tad perturbed by his father’s decision to overlook his right to rule just because of some minor homicidal tendencies. Voltan drives a sword through his dad’s ribs in annoyance, and Hawk arrives just in time to see the old man die.

    But… not before passing on the family heirloom, the last elven mind sword. The blade has a gilded hilt that ends in a fist, which grips a large emerald. When the owner concentrates, the ‘elven mindstone’ gem glows, and the sword levitates to his hand. Cool, huh? But you may be asking yourself, ‘So why don’t some elves have this here elven mind sword?’ Just wait, we’ll get to that.

"Yeah, it's cool and all, but these elven mind stones go through batteries like a sonuvabitch."

     Now, one often wonders why bad guys become bad. In Voltan’s case, we learn through a flashback that he was in love with a young lady, Elaine, who instead married Hawk. This sent Voltan into a deep funk (but at least his disposition now matched his prerequisite villainous black armor). In anger, he confronted Hawk after the wedding, and threatened to kill him. Before he could carry out this threat, the lovely bride burnt Voltan’s face by thrusting a torch into it, which allowed Hawk to flee. Voltan pursued them, though, and on the honeymoon the newlyweds were again ambushed. This time Elaine catches a crossbow bolt intended for Hawk, right in her back. While this puts a severe damper on their brotherly relationship, Hawk doesn’t seek revenge on Voltan, but rather becomes a wanderer in self-imposed exile.

    I know; you’d think someone called “the Slayer” would have reacted a touch more violently over his wife’s murder, but I don’t think at this point Hawk had earned himself that moniker yet. I assume he picked it up between the time of this flashback, and when the actual current storyline picks up, years later.

     We find that as the years have gone by and Hawk is wandering, and supposedly working on his slaying skills, Voltan has become a vile ruthless marauder lord, terrorizing his subjects and warring with his neighbors. He also has a son, an evil- douchebag-in-training, who will spend most of his time trying to earn father’s respect.

     So, with the background out of the way, and summed up nicely in the first five minutes of the movie, let’s get to it…

     When our current plot picks up, Voltan has attacked and burned yet another local village. A militiaman named Ranulf escapes, albeit with his sword hand chopped off. He stumbles through the dark woods to an abbey, where the nuns treat him.

     However, their Abbess is promptly captured by Voltan when the bad guys come looking for hiding villagers, and he demands a ransom of gold coins from the sisters if they want their abbess back, or he'll kill her.

     Whaaaat? Where are nuns going to get a ransom of gold? Why, there’s no way they’ll be able to save their abbess’ life! You sinister bastard, Voltan!

     Hmm, if only someone could help… wait! There are tales of a beneficent stranger named Hawk who roams the forests of the kingdom… um, slaying. Tales say he’s heroically helped innocent people in the past. Perhaps he could be found, and persuaded to aid the nuns?

     You know it, baby!

     Ranulf decides he'll comb the kingdom's bosky woodlands and find this man. I’d like to point out that before he leaves the abbey, Ranulf sets himself up with a totally bitchin’ chu-ko-nu automatic repeating crossbow with a clip of bolts, so he can use it one-handed. It’s like goddam AK-47 Medieval tech. Aaaawesome! No, I have no idea where it came from. I guess the nuns had it lying around.

     Ranulf sets off to locate Hawk, who’s busy rescuing a witch from being burned at the stake. (Because while he’s got nothin’ against slayin’, it's common knowledge that toastin’ witches is just bad luck.) Upon hearing of the nuns’ plight, Hawk agrees to help, but needs the assistance of some old adventuring buddies. With the witch’s help in casting some teleporting spells (the material components of which involve smoke and hula hoops), Hawk gathers his party:

GORT

     A giant. This powerful stud wields a maul that looks like it would knock a frickin’ tree down. Despite his stature and humans' perceptions of giants as barbaric, he's actually pretty refined and moral. Spends his free time trying to get his friend Baldin the dwarf to straighten up.

CROW

     Crow, the last living elf. (See? That’s why the elves aren’t using their elven mind swords: cuz they’re mostly extinct! The party’s over for the elves... they figure, let the humans play with the party favors.)

     Crow can use his short bow like a sharpshooter with a machine gun. Look, boys and girls! Gnarly weapon specialization rules, even in the early 80’s!

BALDIN

     A dwarf, and a sneaky thief with horrendous manners. He's an expert with a whip, including using it to snag fish out of ponds, which he then eats raw. He spends his free time messing with Gort's head and playing jokes.

     There’s a colorful, if predictable, montage of Hawk collecting each adventurer, and apparently they each owe Hawk some debt, or they’re all itching for an adventure, because they all join Hawk wordlessly when he appears to recruit them. (Um, except for Baldin, who’s tied to a raft and being burnt at sea by some villagers for some indiscretion, and needs to be rescued.) 

     Our heroes now need to trap Voltan and rescue the Abbess. The abbey actually has no gold, so Hawk and friends waylay a band of slave traders, release the prisoners, and steal the slavers’ ill-gotten gains. An unfortunate repercussion of this is that Voltan’s son was the guy this slave ring reports to, and when he finds out what went down, he decides this is a good chance to prove to dad that he’s a vile villain-to-be. Son of Voltan (yeah, I didn’t really catch his name) rides after Hawk, attacking him furiously… and promptly gets killed. (Kid, he is called the Slayer, fer Christ’s sake, man. Use your head.) 

     So the good guys’ve got the gold, but Voltan is really pissed now. Oh, by this point, we’ve also discovered that Voltan is actually working for darker, even more sinister supernatural forces. Ah, the plot thickens!

     So, with Voltan totally PO’d, instead of going for a ransom exchange, the bad guys raid the abbey. They capture the heroes, Voltan gloats, and things are boding not well. Then, naturally, when things look bleakest, the tables are turned and all Silly String and glow-in-the-dark Super Balls hell breaks loose as the witch and Hawk save the day! (Magic is very “glowy” in Hawk’s world.) Voltan is defeated and, yes, slain by Hawk in the climactic fight scene, and things are set aright.

     Or are they?...

     The twist ending of the film is an obvious set-up for a sequel, but whether they actually intended to pursue this or not I don’t know. It doesn’t seem like the kind of film they’d seriously consider making more of, but OH MAN WOULD THAT BE SWEEEET! The entire movie was filmed as though we were just taking a peek at one adventure among many that these friends have, and so I tend to think the film is meant to play out that way, without real thought of further adventures on screen. But this one still stands on its own as a crowning jewel of campy fantasy fare, and it's enough for me.

     Deserving of its own mention is the soundtrack. Holy norker toes, how can I explain this? It’s got a late-disco-era beat and funky early-80’s pop synthesizer grooves goin’ on, my man. It’s like the bastard child of the Doctor Who theme music and a Clint Eastwood spaghetti western score.  Heroic, yet groovy!

     The swordplay is acceptable; nothing fantastic, but often and violent enough for the hack-n-slashers out there. (There’s little bloodshed though, just simulated skull-crushing and gut-slicing.) Crow’s archery skills were enough to practically send our game group’s elven archer player into orgasmic spasms, so you know there’s something special there.  The magic is portrayed with hokey fog machines and glowing lights, but this was way before the age of CGI, and I love it.

     I once designed Hawk as a D&D character for my party to meet, so you know I can do nothing but recommend this movie. Sure, it’s best watched late at night with a few drinks and friends, but I freely admit that I’ve watched it more than once all by myself, happily reciting lines and perfectly sober. This is simple fun, and you should enjoy it.

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