The DM

by Chris Cecil

(To the tune of “The Gambler” with apologies to Kenny Rogers)

On a warm summer's evenin', on a train bound for GenCon,
I met up with a DM; we were both too wired to sleep.
So we took turns a-starin' out the window at Milwaukee
'Til the beer smell overtook us, and he began to speak.

He said, "Son, I've made a life out of readin' players’ faces,
And knowin' what their scores were by the way they rolled their dice.
So if you don't mind my sayin', I can tell you play a half-elf.
For a taste of your snack food, I'll give you some advice."

So I handed him my lunch bag, and he scarfed down my last Cheez Puff.
Then he bummed a six-sider, and began to rub its sides.
And the night got deathly quiet, and his face lost all expression.
Said, "If you're gonna play the game, boy, ya gotta learn to play it right.

You got to know when to spell cast, know when to hack fast,
Know when to pick pockets, and know when to run.
You never count your GPs while you're sneaking through the dungeon.
There'll be time enough for countin' when the killing’s done.

Now ev'ry player knows that the secret to survivin'
Is knowin' when to check for traps, and knowin’ Cure Light Wounds.
'Cause ev'ry gnome’s a winner, and ev'ry orc's a loser,
And the best that you can hope for is to earn some high XP."

And when he'd finished speakin', he turned back towards the window,
Pulled out a DM’s Guide, and sketched on some graph sheets.
And somewhere in the darkness… the DM, he phased Astral.
But in his old backpack I found a d100 I could keep.

You got to know when to melee, know when to parlay,
Which spells to memorize, and that liches ain’t that fun.
Your thief never counts the money when you've found the dragon horde, now.
There'll be time for Detect Magic when the session’s done.

You got to know how to roll dice, keep track of Hit Points,
Know when to make your Saves, know your horse’s movement rate.
You never split your party, unless you want to die fast.
‘Cuz the DM is laughing, as you roll a “1”.