Play That Funky Half-Orc

by Chris Cecil

(To the tune of “Play That Funky Music”, in homage to Wild Cherry)

Once I was a geeky gamer
Checkin’ out a convention show
I never had no problems
Any game, I’d give it a go.

And every booth around me
Got to start to feelin’ the same
And I decided quickly
To wander down and find me a game.

And they were hackin’, and slashin’, and movin’ thru the dungeon,
And just when it hit me, somebody turned around and shouted

Play our funky half-orc, white boy!
We sure need your help in this fight.
Play our funky half-orc, white boy!
Sit down and grab dice
And play that pre-rolled half orc ‘til he dies.

Now at first it wasn’t easy
Gettin’ into this character’s mind
And things were going badly
I thought I’d leave this party behind.
But now it’s so much better
I’m orc-ing out in every way!
And I’ll never lose that feeling
Of backstabbing our ranger that day.

When they were looting, and rooting, and takin’ all the booty
And just when it hit me somebody turned around and shouted

Play our funky half-orc, white boy!
Play that ugly bastard right.
Play a funky half-orc white boy!
Pick up a broadsword
and play that funky half-breed ‘til he dies!