I Want a New Dwarf

by Chris Cecil

(To the tune of “I Want a New Drug”, with apologies to Huey Lewis)

I want a new dwarf.
My other one got hit.
One that won’t fail his saving throws.
And busts through doors three feet thick.

I’ll roll a new dwarf.
One that can use his head.
One that won't rush right into frays
Or else he will be dead.

One that makes monsters nervous
wonderin’ ‘bout his axe.
One that lets the group know
that he likes to hack and slash.
(Or maybe whack and bash.)

I want a new dwarf.
My last one got killed.
I shoulda’ been a dual-class thief…
I lacked Find Traps skill.

I want a new dwarf.
That’s what I’m gonna play.
One that won't need a torch at night
One that can make fun of elves all day.

One that won't use no magic
That just ain’t what dwarves do.
One that hordes his gold appreciates gems too.
Of course he’ll drink mead, dude.

I want a new dwarf
One with a big ol’ helm.
One that wears some plate mail armor.
One that mines tunnels underground.

I want a new dwarf.
One with no doubt.
One that won't need to talk too much
His hammer can knock orcs out.

One that won’t miss attack rolls.
A fighter through and through
One with a high Strength, combat bonuses will do.
When fighting giants too.